


When the Lights are Low

by flannelfeelings



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Big brother Mac, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, F/M, Family, Grief, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, Love, Loving Marriage, Mac Peralta - Freeform, Married Life, Miscarriage, Parents Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Protective Jake Peralta, Sad with a Happy Ending, Supportive Jake Peralta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26984671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelfeelings/pseuds/flannelfeelings
Summary: Jake and Amy lose something very dear to them.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 14
Kudos: 106





	When the Lights are Low

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr, anonymous asked: if you're taking fic requests, what if amy had an early miscarriage while trying for baby no. 2?? i can just imagine mac having no idea why mommy's sad and trying to comfort her (like daddy is) 🥺 of course if that's too distressing i completely understand! for a more fluffy idea i'd love to hear ur take on jake and amy deciding to try again💘💓 your writing is the biggest gift and i hope you have a wonderful day!
> 
> Anon, this was definitely more angsty than I usually care to get but I wanted to honor your request. I really hope I did it some justice and that anyone who's been through this experience or had their lives affected by pregnancy loss know that you are not alone and that it will be okay, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. Thanks for sending this in anon, I'm genuinely so honored that you trusted me to write it. 
> 
> Please be aware that this fic discusses miscarriage and things that go along with it, so be aware if that topic triggers you. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, thank you for reading. <3

The feeling of grass between his toes was the first clue that Jake was dreaming. They definitely weren’t in the city. Above his head were baby blue skies with fluffy white clouds. Laughter filtered in and out of his ears. He was standing in a field with overgrown, bushy green grass.

A small hand was in his, gripping his fingers for dear life. Jake looked down, but the face was blurry, difficult to make out their features. The child looked to be about three years old, just a bit smaller than his son Mac, and it appeared to be a girl.

“Where are we?” Jake asked, his voice was an airy whisper in the billowing blades of grass.

The child didn’t respond, but she laughed again. The sound was incredible; pealing bells that ricocheted through her chest, just the way Amy’s did when she really got to laughing. He felt a tugging on his hand, and allowed himself to be led through the field by the child.

Her steps were clumsy but she moved with purpose; barreling through the grass toward the treeline at the edge of the field. He kept up easily, confused but feeling safe with her little hand in his. They stopped short just at the edge of the forest, and Jake felt the ground beneath his bare feet get muddier and stickier, a less pleasant feeling than the soft grass. The bright blue skies overhead darkened a bit, fluffy white clouds replaced with glooming gray tufts.

“What’s happening?” his voice was far away even to his own ears, floating into the air as if the words were riding an invisible car.

“I love you.” The child said, and Jake frowned deeply, confusion etched into his features.

“I love you too.” He said back, almost on instinct.

The child released his palm, and stepped away. He looked up and noticed she was gone in an instant. He whirled around with disbelief, feeling a weight in his hand. Jake glanced down and uncurled his fingers to reveal a small, crushed flower. A purple dahlia.

Amy’s favorite flower.

“Jake?” There was a low, raspy voice now, sounding exhausted.

Jake glanced around, trying to locate the source. It seemed to echo through the windy fields.

“Jake?”

He recognized the voice then, and called, “Amy?”

“Babe?”

Jake’s eyes snapped open, and suddenly he was staring at the metal rim of a small hospital cot. His neck ached like nothing else; bent at an unnatural angle as his body slumped over in a plush hospital chair. His eyes focused and he looked up to see Amy, sitting up in bed trying to get his attention.

“Hey, sorry.” Jake rubbed sleep out of his eyes and straightened up, getting to his feet and closing the distance between them, “What do you need Ames?”

It had been a long fourteen hours since they’d first shown up here. Since Amy awoke in the middle of the night, curled over her middle, groaning in pain. The sound instantly woke Jake from a restless sleep, frantically asking her what was wrong.

They only had to wait three minutes for Charles to race from his apartment to theirs to watch Mac. Geneveive and Nikolaj sat in the living room, Mac still snoozing peacefully in his bedroom. Blissfully unaware of what was happening in the rest of the apartment, while Charles and Jake helped Amy to the car, both pretending they didn’t notice her bloodstained sweatpants. Charles wished Jake luck, and went back inside to watch over their home.

Jake owed him more than he figured he could ever possibly repay.

“The water please.” Amy’s haggard voice brought Jake back to the present, and he nodded.

He moved toward the bedside table and grabbed the large pitcher, filling a paper cup with cool water and passing it to her gingerly. Jake’s hand curled gently around Amy’s and he kept it there, helping guide the cup to her lips. Her fingers were still trembling and weak, he didn’t trust her not to lose her grip. Normally Amy would’ve just gotten the water herself, but she was in a lot of pain and had been instructed to take it easy.

Amy finished the cup in a few large gulps and sighed heavily, handing it back to Jake with a quiet, “thank you.”

Jake nodded and set the cup on the nightstand, one hand coming up to gently stroke down her hair as he glanced over at the other table beneath the window with a bouquet of purple dahlias. Something his mother had dropped off a few hours ago, he’d fallen asleep staring at the bouquet.

“How are you feeling?” Jake asked her quietly, still stroking her hair softly.

Amy offered him a small, broken smile, “I’ve been better.”

Jake looked at her face and felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. Which was impressive since that had already happened to him several times throughout the night.

The terror of racing a bleeding, crying Amy to the hospital would be something he didn’t think he could ever forget. The sound of her panicked sobs, and her groans of pain. He felt so helpless and afraid and fucking _destroyed._

The doctor’s words were still potent in his mind, “ _I’m so sorry...unfortunately this is not uncommon...so early in the pregnancy this is always a possibility...doesn’t mean you can’t try again…”_

The whole spiel had been basically lost on Jake and Amy after the initial, “ _Your baby is gone_.”

It wasn’t that they hadn’t known this was a possibility. They’d been cautiously optimistic, hoping that it would go smoothly. That they wouldn’t have to be one of those couples that had a sad precursor to the future birth of a healthy baby. It had been so easy to conceive this time around...they may have let themselves get a little too excited.

_“It’s not your fault.”_ Jake remembered repeating to Amy as she wailed against his chest, “ _It’s not your fault, Amy.”_

Most of the night was a blur, but a few stark moments would forever be burned into his memory. The sight of his wife collapsing against him, the most agonizing sobs he’d ever heard wrenched from her throat...there would be no forgetting that.

“We’re gonna be okay.” Jake said softly, bringing his other hand up to squeeze Amy’s tightly.

“I know.” she murmured, not meeting his eyes, “Just doesn’t feel that way right now.”

“Probably won’t for a while.” Jake agreed quietly, “But we are gonna make it through this.”

“It’s so weird…” Amy said in a low, hurt voice, “Yesterday I was pregnant. Now I’m not.” she shook her head with pain etched across her expression, “Hardly seems fair.”

“It isn’t.” Jake conceded, chewing on his lower lip to keep it from trembling, “It isn’t fair, babe. But you’re okay, you’re still here, and so is Mac.” he cradled her cheeks in his palms, meeting her tired eyes seriously, “That is the most important thing.”

“I know.” She repeated quietly, “And I know...I mean, I knew this could happen. I knew it was a very real possibility…” she swallowed hard, blinking rapidly, “I just...didn’t _really_ think it would happen.”

“I didn’t either.” Jake said softly, “I’m sorry Amy.” He’d never felt so utterly useless before.

“I love you.” Amy whispered, reaching up to squeeze his hands in her fingers.

“I love you.” He replied.

The next few hours passed by with mostly nothing to report. Amy got a bit of sleep, still trying to recover from the trauma her body had been through. Jake didn’t much feel like napping after the unsettling dream he’d had, so he texted Charles asking about Mac, and fielded questions from their loved ones about how everyone was doing.

Karen stopped by again around lunchtime, hesitantly knocking on the door. Jake looked at Amy as if asking for permission, and she nodded her okay.

He opened the door just a crack, and said to his mom, “I don’t know if she’s up for company.”

“Oh, I understand honey.” Karen replied, but before she could say more, Amy spoke from inside the room.

“It’s okay, please come in.”

Jake stepped aside and allowed his mom’s entrance, standing nervously by the closed door as Karen approached the bed. Without speaking, she held her arms out to Amy and pulled the woman into her embrace.

Amy broke then, finally allowing herself to succumb to the pain after spending most of the night trying to be tough. Karen climbed into the bed beside her, wrapping her arms around Amy’s trembling body and gently rubbing her back. Jake watched from the foot of the bed, frozen with the levity of what he was witnessing. He felt like an intruder; like maybe this was a moment meant for just these two women.

“I’m so sorry your own mom isn’t here,” Karen whispered, “But you are not alone.”

“I just can’t believe this happened,” Amy moaned into Karen’s chest, “I feel like I failed my baby before she was even born.”

Jake started forward at that, his body moving instinctively to comfort his wife, but Karen gave him a look over Amy’s head that made him think he should step out and let them have some privacy.

“Listen to me Amy,” Karen was saying as Jake hesitantly moved for the door, “You did nothing but love this baby with everything you had. You have _nothing_ to feel guilty about. This is not your fault, you are an amazing mother.”

Jake quietly stepped out of the room, closing the door with silence. He stood with his back to the door, feeling distressed at the thought of his wife in the room sobbing her eyes out and him not being able to do a single thing to stop it.

Before he could think, his legs were moving, carrying him down the linoleum hallways. He dodged nurses and concerned family members, whizzing past med carts and housekeepers. Somehow, he ended up at the back entrance of the hospital, shoving through a custodian exit door and gasping for air as he stepped outside for the first time in nearly 24 hours.

Jake let out a shaking breath, then another, finally feeling like the night had caught up with him. He brought his hands to his mouth, eyes squeezing shut as he felt hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He shivered in the brisk air, wishing he’d grabbed his leather jacket off the back of the chair.

The crying evolved into painful, wretching sobs and he knelt in half, hands on his knees as he desperately tried to pull himself together. The night's events flashed before his eyes.

_“Amy what’s wrong?”_

_“Jake, it hurts! I think I’m bleeding.”_

Sheets stained with blood.

_“Hey, it’s okay. Look at me, it’s gonna be okay. Don’t move, okay? I’m calling Charles to come sit with Mac and we’ll go to the hospital.”_

_“Jake, it really hurts, what if-”_

_“It’s gonna be okay, I promise. I promise Ames.”_

What a fucking liar he was.

_“Please drive faster!”_

_“I’m trying Amy. Just stay calm, it’s okay.”_

_“The baby…I think she’s dying...”_

_“Hey, don’t talk like that! It’s gonna be okay!”_

What did he know? How could he make promises like that? He remembered just wanting to keep her calm, wanting to wipe that horrified look off her beautiful face. Though deep down somewhere inside, he knew what was going on. Beneath the calm facade and the forced attempts to comfort her, Jake knew what Amy was saying was true.

_“I’m so sorry...Mr and Mrs. Peralta, you’ve lost the baby…”_

Jake thought of their son at home, curled up on the couch with Uncle Charles, watching cartoons with Niko. No idea that just a few miles away his parents were being shredded down to hollow shells of pain they never thought they’d experience. Their son had no idea.

Their son, who against all odds had been born completely healthy. Born without medication in a filthy precinct interrogation room to the most brave, incredible, strong woman on the planet.

Jake wiped at his eyes, thinking about Amy’s unbelievable strength. Her fortitude. The way she handled every single thing that came at her with the grace and determination of the bravest soldier to live. How she never let anything take her down, or Jake for that matter. How she held them both together like glue.

He owed it to her now, to remind her who she was. To be the glue so she didn’t have to. So she could heal, and be strong in a way that let her feel the horrible, awful way this felt, but not let it take her down.

Jake wiped the tears from his cheeks and pulled the door open, heading back into the noisy hospital. He made his way through the halls back toward their room, and gently knocked.

“Come in.” Karen called invitingly.

Jake gently opened the door, revealing Amy curled up in the hospital bed beside Karen. She’d stopped crying, and she was even smiling a little. Seeing her in the gown, framed by a hospital room, just as she’d been a few years ago with their newborn baby in her arms was unbearably painful.

“Hey ladies.” He offered them a small, hesitant wave, “Am I interrupting?”

“No.” Amy shook her head and held her arms out to him.

Jake closed the distance between them and took her up in his arms, hugging her against his chest. She let out a small sigh of contentment, her face nestling into his neck as he wrapped his arms around her back and didn’t let up.

“I’m gonna give you two some privacy.” Karen said softly. She patted Jake’s shoulder and quietly exited the room.

Jake didn’t release Amy from his grasp. Instead, he carefully climbed up on the bed, being extra cautious not to jostle her or put any weight on her. He kept one arm around her shoulders, and Amy curled up against his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in his armpit.

“You stink.” She murmured softly.

“You too.” He replied.

Amy smiled against his shirt, nestling in a little closer, “I like your B.O. It reminds me of when Mac was a baby and we never got to shower.”

Jake chuckled quietly, “It was nice to have an excuse not to shower. I really pushed my deodorant to its limits.”

“You think we’ll ever get to do that again?” Amy asked in a hushed voice, the weight behind her question not hidden.

“Yes.” Jake replied assuredly, “We will Amy. When the time is right, we’re gonna have another beautiful little baby to smother.”

“I want a girl.” Amy whispered, “I want a girl so badly.”

“Me too.” Jake rubbed his thumb soothingly on Amy’s bicep, pulling her just a bit tighter against his side, “Mac is gonna be such a good big brother.”

Amy let out a noise that was half-laughter half-crying, and nodded in agreement, “I think he’d be the best big brother.” She sniffled.

“Someday.” Jake murmured, “Someday not too far from now.”

Amy nodded again, but didn’t reply. They stayed like that for a while, until she fell asleep against his chest, and he too drifted off to the sound of her slow, contented breaths. 

* * *

Jake was nervous as he pulled the car up to the ER bay. He kept glancing at the passenger seat. The orderly who’d brought Amy in was incredibly generous and had helped him scrub the seat of the small amount of blood that had stained the leather on the drive over here.

It was clean, spotless even. There was nothing physically that should be a horrible reminder of the night before.

He climbed out of the car and crossed around to open the passenger door for Amy, who was being wheeled out by another orderly. Jake reached down and took her arm, helping her to her feet. She was a little unsteady, but for the most part didn’t really need his help. Still, he was feeling overprotective, so he hovered until she grabbed the car door.

Amy hesitated, staring at the passenger seat with an unreadable glaze in her eyes. Jake’s hand came up to gently rub her lower back and she looked sideways at him.

“I know.” he said softly. He was sure she was seeing the same things as him: blinding headlights as they weaved through traffic, frantic sobs and agonized moans of pain, blood seeping out onto the seats, white knuckles gripping the steering wheel.

“It’s okay.” Jake assured her, “I’m right here. Everything’s okay.”

Amy nodded, and slowly lowered herself onto the seat. Jake’s hands hovered over her body until she was fully sitting and buckled in. He reached over her and strapped her seatbelt in, closing the door behind her. The drive home was quiet, but she reached her hand across the center console and intertwined their fingers, squeezing tightly.

When they entered the apartment, Amy went straight for the bedroom. Jake followed behind her worriedly, unhappy with how quickly she was moving after she was told specifically to be careful. But she at least went right to bed, laying down heavily on her side with a slight grunt of pain. Jake helped her adjust the pillows behind her head, lower back and between her knees to try and relieve some of the discomfort.

“Need anything?” Jake asked as he ran his fingers across the back of her neck soothingly, “Some advil? Glass of water? Snack?”

Amy shook her head tiredly, “Will you lay with me?”

“Of course.” Jake kicked off his shoes and scooted into the bed behind her, careful not to mess up her delicate pillow arrangement. He wrapped his arms around her hips and buried his face in her back, breathing in her familiar smell. His hands fell across her stomach, resting gently there.

It was painful to think that a few nights ago when they lay this way, his hands were hovering lovingly over their growing baby.

He reminded himself that there was something much more important in his grasp though. His wife, his entire world. The mother of his child, the yin to his yang, his best friend in the whole universe. He wasn’t going to let this take her down. He was going to keep both of them afloat.

“Remember on our first date?” Jake asked quietly, “How nervous we were?”

Amy chuckled, “Yeah. I felt like I was going to throw up.” She looked over her shoulder at him, and smiled a bit, “Never thought we’d be here.”

“Me either.” Jake agreed, but he held her a bit tighter, “Wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, Ames.”

Amy met his eyes seriously, “Neither would I.”

Jake buried his face in her back again, breathing out slowly as she relaxed into his embrace.

* * *

The next day, Jake went alone to pick Mac up.

Charles and Karen had taken turns over the past few days to watch him, and Jake was incredibly grateful to both of them. He couldn’t even imagine how hard this would’ve been without all the support they had. Holt, Rosa, Terry, Gina, both of their families had been blowing up Jake’s phone for the past few days with support.

Jake had been forced to call Holt the first morning in the hospital to explain why they weren’t going to be in for a while. He’d expressed deeply sincere and surprisingly genuine condolences, and told Jake if they needed anything to let him know. Jake really believed he meant everything he said. Holt had even sent him a text that read:

_Jake Peralta,_

_I am greatly relieved to know that Amy is physically getting better. I can not imagine the sorrow you must be experiencing right now. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you need any assistance with meals, the babysitting of McClane, or any other tasks that may lighten your load._

_We are all here for you three._

_Very sincerely,_

_Raymond Holt_

The text was so insane that it actually looped around again to being really sweet, and Jake and Amy shared a good-natured laugh over it, though they were both immensely grateful for his kind words and offer.

When Karen’s door opened and Mac ran into Jake’s arms, squeezing his dad by the neck so tightly it almost choked him, Jake nearly broke down right there. His eyes squeezed shut and he held Mac against his chest, breathing in the boy’s familiar smell and the soft curls atop his head.

“I missed you so much Daddy.” Mac was saying into Jake’s skin, “I missed you and Mommy so much.”

“We missed you more bubba.” Jake murmured, opening his watery eyes to see his mother and father standing in the doorway, faces pulled down with sympathy. Roger met Jake’s eyes with one proud nod, and Jake had to look away.

When they made it back to the apartment, Amy was fast asleep in the bedroom. Jake had to stop Mac from rushing in to awaken her, even though it pained him to see the disappointment on his son’s face.

“Why can’t I see Mommy?” He asked sadly as Jake redirected him toward the living room.

“Mommy isn’t feeling good right now bubba, she needs her rest.” Jake explained to him quietly, pulling Mac up on to his lap as they both sat heavily on the couch.

“Uncle Charles said she was sick.” Mac agreed with a small nod, “Is she gonna be okay?”

“She’s gonna be just fine.” Jake assured the boy with a small smile,relieved that they hadn’t told him about the pregnancy and therefore didn’t need to have an agonizing conversation, “She just needs a lot of love and help to get better. So we’re gonna be extra sweet to her, okay?”

“Okay Daddy.” Mac conceded instantly, “I’ll clean my room real good and make sure I put the toilet seat down after I go potty.”

Jake chuckled a bit, feeling some of the weight of the past few days crack off of his chest with his son’s innocent words, “I think she’d really love that Macadoodle.”

“How long will it be before she’s better?” Mac inquired, a bit worriedly.

Looking into his son’s big brown eyes, it was hard to keep his composure. This little boy had no idea he was about to become a big brother, and couldn’t possibly comprehend the pain of having that prospect ripped away.

But he was here, they were still a family, and they were going to get through this together.

“Mommy’s gonna be feeling pretty bad for a while, McClane.” Jake said seriously, “I don’t know how long, but we’re gonna let her take all the time she needs. All we can do is be nice to her, and make sure we all keep reminding each other how much we love one another. Do you think you can help me with that?”

“I love you Daddy.” Mac replied quickly.

“ I love you too Mac.” Jake squeezed the boy against his chest, and kissed the top of his head.

“Jake?” Amy’s voice called from the bedroom, still groggy from sleep, “Mac?”

“Daddy can I see Mommy?” Mac asked hopefully.

Jake nodded, standing and taking Mac’s hand in his, “Remember, she’s feeling pretty bad so make sure we treat her extra nice.”

Mac nodded seriously in response, and they headed down the hall toward the bedroom. Jake gently pushed the door open, and as soon as Amy’s eyes locked on Mac, she moved to sit up.

“Hey, hey,” Jake rushed forward and took her arms in his hands, “Slow down.” He readjusted her pillows and helped move her into a sitting position.

She nodded in thanks, and turned back to Mac, who’d stopped in his tracks to watch Jake help her. He’d never seen his mom so weak before, so fragile, it left him visibly unnerved.

“Mommy?” Mac asked in a small voice, “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay baby.” Amy held her arms out for him, and Mac eagerly climbed up on the bed.

“Not on her lap bubba.” Jake told him, pointing for Mac to sit beside her. Mac followed his dad’s orders dutifully, scooping up to nestle right at Amy’s side. She pulled him up against her and squeezed so hard Jake could see him straining to breathe.

“I missed you so much.” Amy breathed, kissing Mac’s head and cheeks, “I love you so much bubba.”

“I love you more Mommy.” he replied, his short arms coming up to wrap around her neck as he hugged her back, “Daddy said you are sick and we have to be extra nice to you.”

Amy smiled at Jake over Mac’s head, and blinked tears from her eyes as she said, “Daddy is right, I’m sick. But I’ll be better soon. I have my two best boys here to help me.”

Jake sat beside her on the edge of the bed, resting his hand gently on her leg as she held on tight to their son. She reached one hand down and rested it over his, meeting his eyes.

“ _I love you_.” she mouthed quietly to him.

“I love you more.” he murmured back, twisting his hand around to lock their fingers together.

The three of them stayed in bed for a while, spending most of the day watching old cartoons and snacking on unique concoctions Jake and Mac threw together to mess with Amy. By the time dinner rolled around, Amy had a near-constant smile plastered across her face, the longest stretch she’d had one for the last few days.

Jake too felt somewhat lighter as he allowed himself to be lost in the cocoon of warmth that their trio held. He knew one day there would be another addition to the family, another little hand to hold, another body to hug and another pure soul to remind them that things would be okay.

For now, they had each other though. And that was more than enough. Even though the days ahead were sure to be hard, there was no doubt in any of their minds that soon enough, everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, this was emotional for me to write and also unbeta'd so im sure there are quite a few oopsies. Hopefully it doesn't take away from the fic too much.


End file.
